Day 4 - Minor breakthrough

So this is just the second day of pumping and fourth since the day I began this journey. I saw a drop on the right side today. It wasn't big enough to even wet the pump, but still, it was something. From nothing I have gone to a teeny weeny drop. That drop is enough to give me hope and encouragement that it will happen. If I am patient, and if I work hard, it will happen. Last night though, I didn't wake up for the midnight pumping. I want to make sure that I pump at night, even if it means staying up to pump and then going to bed.

Let's see what happens tomorrow. :-)

Day 3

Have been pumping like crazy. Although it isn't always possible to stick to the 2 hourly schedule, I made up for it by pumping one hourly when my daughter was sleeping. By night my nipples were hurting and I admit I didn't really have strength to pump at night. I pumped only once and only on one side at about 3 a.m. but then went back to sleep. Regretted that decision in the morning and have decided to pump more today.

There still isn't even a drop to show for all the domperidone, fenugreek and shatavari I am consuming. But I have read that it takes as much time to relactate as you haven't been feeding. So I am giving myself two months to relactate. Even if I don't, I'll still try till six months. Then I know I have tried and it didn't work.

For now, Sayalee is still screaming at the breast. I guess the SNS tubing is really bothersome for her too.

Will try to comfort feed next time without the SNS.

Day 2

Getting Sayalee to latch on is just so difficult! I had sweat dripping down my brow at the end of the ordeal. It was too much for her too. She kept crying, and I felt like a monster trying to get her to do something she didn't have any interest in doing. She just seems so content drinking from her bottle, it is heartbreaking. It is not easy for the husband to understand why I am doing all this. All those women who wanted to breastfeed, but couldn't for some reason, will know what I mean.

I have the SNS, and tried using it by itself. No use, she just wouldn't latch on. Or she would for about 4 seconds and leave it crying for the bottle. Ultimately I had to give up and give her the bottle. Damn it!

Sometimes I feel mad at her for not wanting my breast, even for comfort. Please someone tell me that it is normal to feel this way.

The good news is that I got my Medela Swing. From tomorrow onward I am looking at a dedicated two hourly pumping sessions till I get my supply going. Right now I am so dried up, hand expression won't even give a little sheen or a hint of a supply.

I really don't know if this will work. But I'll pump like a mad woman for a year at least, even if I don't get anything out of pumping. That way I'll know that I really did try my best. Looking for some hope. Some hint of glistening that will say, hey, the milk is here and it will build up, and feed your baby with the best food she can ever get.

Really praying hard for this to work! 

Day 1

Some people have told me time and again that breastfeeding is not for everybody. Not every woman can successfully breastfeed. Over the years I went on to accept this as a reality. Even now I doubt, about my ability and capability to produce milk to feed and satisfy my baby. But truth be told, I don't honestly believe it. I believe that every woman is innately capable of producing enough milk to feed their child. We don't see animals depending upon others' milk to feed their babies. All they do is feed, all the time if necessary until their offspring have been satisfied. I don't know why we find it so hard to accept that it is okay to breastfeed all the time. Why must there be a set time to feed your baby?

It was because of all these notions that I was a breastfeeding failure with my first-born. My breasts were huge. I was told that huge breasts equals less milk. Ridiculous! I see many large breasted women very comfortably feeding their children. Why should I have been different. The truth was I could have breastfed even then, had I had a little support, and encouragement from my family. My family falls in two groups. One is militantly pro-breastfeeding, and the other group is equally militant about not breastfeeding. I don't know why finding a happy medium where both feeding and supplementing is so hard on either group. My husband is against breastfeeding if it needs a lot of work. If it comes easy, great. But spending money on an electric pump is a luxury (!)

With my second daughter too, I fell prey to the same feelings of inadequacy. That I had had a breast reduction surgery two years ago didn't make things easy. I thought that my milk hasn't been enough to satisfy my baby. Then again my mother kept looking at Sayalee's weight and commenting how she was gaining very slowly (inspite of supplementation). It was okay, I kept telling her, to gain slowly as long as she was gaining and having 12 wet diapers and two to three soiled diapers a day. Until one day I succumbed and gave Sayalee a bottle of feed. From that moment on there was no looking back. Sayalee went on to have bottle feeds continuously for the next two months.

Sayalee is now just a few days over three months old, and I have made a decision to relactate. I have mulled over this for quite some time now, and I wanted to do something before it was too late. I saw all my friends and every friend, fat or thin, proudly told me about how easily they breastfed their children, some of them even twins. I will at least give it a long shot. I am giving myself a minimum of a year. I'll do everything, the pills, the pumps, the SNS, the works. I'll slog my ass off to ensure that my baby gets atleast some breastmilk. Even if she gets like one ounce a day, of breastmilk, for a year, I'll consider myself a success story.

I am going to dedicatedly post here, so I know that I am answerable and won't give up no matter what. Today I spoke to Sayalee's pediatrician and he prescribed domperidone and Lactare (Shatavari capsules). I also bought Shatavarex granules to be had with milk. I will see if I can order fenugreek and milk thistle capsules online. I have begun by taking 20 mg of domperidone three times a day, 2 capsules of Lactare three times a day and Shatavarex 2 tbsp three times a day.

I also tried putting Sayalee to breast. While she finds latching on to the right breast a tad difficult, she takes the left breast like a pro. I tried using the SNS but it is a little confusing to her. The afternoon was a disaster where she ended up screaming and I had to resort to the bottle again. The 11 p.m. feed was a little better, because she was more alert when I put her to the breast and she eagerly took it. She got confused soon, but with the SNS tube in her mouth and me pressing the SNS bottle everytime she sucked, it got easier for her.  let her nurse till she felt satisfied and then topped off with the bottle.

So far the first day has been okay. Although definitely not producing even the slightest shimmer of milk right now.

P.S. much to my husband's chagrin,  I have ordered the Medela Swing electric breast pump and I'll receive it tomorrow.  The plan is to pump for twenty minutes every two hours and once in the night. Lets cross our fingers!